Undeserving

The most undeserving results I ever got, is my midterm paper which I had previous Tuesday. This will be a very long post, because I cannot shorten it :D Bless you if you manage to finish reading!

Being honest, I only managed to start studying on Monday. But I feel asleep countless times in the process. Then being not very well disciplined, I was texting on my phone and chatting with a few of my friends on facebook. I knew doing all these will result in consequences of not being able to finish up my revision. True enough, I was freaking out and pouring out my worries to my friends on Tuesday itself. JiWei should know better. Apart from being distracted by chats, I was also distracted emotionally about certain things which didn't existed. Yea, so I was pretty cranked up. 

I managed to cover reading, reading and not studying, my notes at 3pm, just in time for class at 3.30pm. Obviously I was still freaking out and revising like mad in the 3.30pm class, come on, no confidence at all okay? :( 

5pm reached, time to enter the exam hall. When I sat down, holding my pen, I was shaking. My hands were shaking, my emotions were in every angle. I tried to answer the questions. The next thing I know, the lecturer announced we were only left with 15 minutes. Crap. My short answer questions were not complete, haven't even started my MCQ. Of course, I quickly flipped to my MCQ and did, without having time to think which was the correct answer. As long as I felt it was slightly right I just circled the answer. I even "tembak" some of the questions because I have no idea what was it about. My short answer questions, well, I had no choice but to crap whatever I have in mind, even if it did not made sense, nor meet the requirements of the question. Hopeless and doubtfully, I handed in my paper, in my heart I knew I was doomed because I didn't manage to "finish" my paper. My context of "finish" is not being able to answer what I want to answer and not having time to think about the answer I write. Some of you may say that I always say it's a bad paper after I finish one, but really, I really felt it was bad, and I'm pretty sure most of you know what I mean when we say it's a bad paper..  

Being sad and hopeless I prayed "God, hopeless... hopeless.. I'm a goner for sure. It would be a miracle for me to even pass this paper.. And you really have to make this miracle happen..". And I still remember I tweeted "This time I am seriously relying on Him.. totally"

Went to DC that night, super drained and was in despair. Even Hanni noticed it. But I really thank God for that day, for speaking into my heart. About everything that happened, emotional problems and the dreadful paper I sat.

So today the lecturer was super semangat, she finished marking the paper and gave us the results. My eyes, and heart, literally, seriously, was at its disbelief. For me to even get a passing mark is a miracle for this paper, and for me to get that result, I feel so undeserving. I can do nothing but say to my friend "Miracle happened! miracle happened!"

God is so good.  He is so real. Not only did He died for me, He gives me things which I don't deserve at all. He is my big God, my big Father, who does super great things for me, His daughter :)

And no, I'm not born smart. Nor do I have a very critical brain which thinks out of the box. I have a brain similarly to all of you, I'm of average thinking, study hard like you guys. I'm not lucky, I do not deserve what I have, but it is Him who loves me that I am so thankful :)